Eleanor Kazan

"...here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)" ~ee cummings, from his poem "i carry your heart with me" I've been thinking about this poem during the time my beloved aunt was dying. As I sat by her bed, a couple of weeks before she passed, I thought what a golden soul she is and how much of a difference she's made in so many lives. I met her when I was around 3 and my Uncle Gene brought her to our house. She is the one, I told him. We don't need you to bring anyone else. She was special right from the start. Here is the story I want people to know. This happened when I was four or five years old. Uncle Gene and Aunt Eleanor took my mother, brother, sister and me to McArthur Park for the afternoon. At some point, I went into the restroom with my mother and sister. My mother and sister went into one stall and I was standing holding my doll and wondering what to do, where should I put her so I could use the stall. I set her next to the sink. When I came out of the stall, my beloved doll was gone. My mother, who was kind of tough in those days, and her immediate response was to berate me for being so stupid as to set the doll down and expect it to be there. I must've looked crushed as every time she looked at me, my mother seemed to get mad at me again. This would be my lesson. Now you won't have a doll. Some days later, my mother called me to the phone. "Aunt Eleanor wants to speak with you." I took the phone and my aunt asked me what kind of doll I liked. She specifically asked if I liked a doll with hair. The doll that was stolen was just a rubber doll with jagged lines where hair would be. The following week, a perfectly wrapped package came for me. Inside it was a doll curly hair and movable limbs. She wore a red and white dress., I named her Betsey Lee. That's the quintessential Aunt Eleanor story for me. I was the child who was quiet and often overlooked, but she saw me. She asked permission of my mother before asking me about a doll. It never occurred to me that she was planning to buy me another doll. Betsey Lee is with me to this day. She's much nicer than the doll I had and so much dearer than anything I'd ever received. I see now that in some families, parents carry their children's pain. But ours wasn't like that. You carried your loss yourself. I didn't know it could be another way. But that was Aunt El. She saw people. She saw details. Her heart was a treasure. She was a treasure. I'll carry her with me. Aunt Eleanor, I carry you with me. I carry your heart in my heart. You lived to be 100-years-old and still it wasn't enough. We wanted to be with you longer. I thanked you my whole life for that doll. I thank you today for the blessing you were to me and to all of us.